Overwhelmed

I was going to share the rest of our story from last week.  That was what my plan was for tonight.  And I will get back to that in case one day someone wants to read the whole story about how and when we found out about Allie's Type 1 Diabetes. (Part 1 is here)  I say someone because I doubt I will ever forget.......

The moment I realized how very sick she really was.

The first time I heard the word Ketoacidosis.

The diagnosis.

The week in the hospital.

The first time I sent her down to sleep in her room once we were home from the hospital and there was no one there to watch her. I still worry each night.

The midnight and 3AM blood sugar checks that are reminiscent of having a newborn baby.  Even though my husband has been doing these checks (as he is a night owl and is usually still awake at midnight and he graciously gets up to do the 3AM ones) I still wake up every time. To hear what the number was and to be sure she doesn't need me. Fearing that it is going to be too high or too low.......

This past weekend when we went on our first weekend away and I had to make sure that I remembered it all.  That I packed and took with us everything we needed to have with us to keep my daughter safe and healthy.

The three hours (yes, three) that I spent searching for recipes and making a menu for this weeks suppers.  It was only 5 supper meals (along with breakfasts and lunches) for Pete's sake. I'm so not sure it should have taken me that long. But it did.

The moments after I made the menu when my husband was simply trying to ask a question and I fussed at him for quite a while about how I think things should go and how it needs to be this way and how I couldn't believe it took me three hours to make a menu.

 And then Allie said "I'm sorry Mom that this is so hard for you."

I said, "Honey, it's not your fault".

She said "I feel like it is."

That stab in the heart moment where I couldn't believe I had just done that . That she had just heard all of that and was now feeling that it was her fault.

I tried desperately to reassure her that none of this is her fault.

The moments since that I have prayed that she believes me when I say it isn't her fault.

The moment today when I dropped her off at school for the first time in a week and left her to do it all for herself.  (Thankfully, she has an amazing school nurse who over saw it all and I didn't need to worry about that at all.  Thank you Mrs. Spaulding for calling me to give me an update after lunch today -- it helped so much).

The time that I spend 'in my head'.  Worrying, thinking, reading, worrying some more. And thinking how 'unfair' this is that my sweets loving girl now has to count the carbs of every.single. little. thing she eats.  That our lives are changing a lot and that I feel somewhat ruled by 'the numbers'.  Then the guilt I feel for thinking this is unfair when I know things could be so much worse than they are.

All the counting. All the counting and looking things up.

All of these things lead up to one very tired and overwhelmed Mama.
So, I will post about the rest of our hospital stay and the amazing people who came to visit us there and who have sent the sweetest cards.  But, tonight --
I think I'm just going to head to bed.

To do some praying and reading and sleeping.

Until Midnight. When I will be up.  And again at 3AM.

Because. The Numbers.