Pages

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Overwhelmed

I was going to share the rest of our story from last week.  That was what my plan was for tonight.  And I will get back to that in case one day someone wants to read the whole story about how and when we found out about Allie's Type 1 Diabetes. (Part 1 is here)  I say someone because I doubt I will ever forget.......

The moment I realized how very sick she really was.

The first time I heard the word Ketoacidosis.

The diagnosis.

The week in the hospital.

The first time I sent her down to sleep in her room once we were home from the hospital and there was no one there to watch her. I still worry each night.

The midnight and 3AM blood sugar checks that are reminiscent of having a newborn baby.  Even though my husband has been doing these checks (as he is a night owl and is usually still awake at midnight and he graciously gets up to do the 3AM ones) I still wake up every time. To hear what the number was and to be sure she doesn't need me. Fearing that it is going to be too high or too low.......

This past weekend when we went on our first weekend away and I had to make sure that I remembered it all.  That I packed and took with us everything we needed to have with us to keep my daughter safe and healthy.

The three hours (yes, three) that I spent searching for recipes and making a menu for this weeks suppers.  It was only 5 supper meals (along with breakfasts and lunches) for Pete's sake. I'm so not sure it should have taken me that long. But it did.

The moments after I made the menu when my husband was simply trying to ask a question and I fussed at him for quite a while about how I think things should go and how it needs to be this way and how I couldn't believe it took me three hours to make a menu.

 And then Allie said "I'm sorry Mom that this is so hard for you."

I said, "Honey, it's not your fault".

She said "I feel like it is."

That stab in the heart moment where I couldn't believe I had just done that . That she had just heard all of that and was now feeling that it was her fault.

I tried desperately to reassure her that none of this is her fault.

The moments since that I have prayed that she believes me when I say it isn't her fault.

The moment today when I dropped her off at school for the first time in a week and left her to do it all for herself.  (Thankfully, she has an amazing school nurse who over saw it all and I didn't need to worry about that at all.  Thank you Mrs. Spaulding for calling me to give me an update after lunch today -- it helped so much).

The time that I spend 'in my head'.  Worrying, thinking, reading, worrying some more. And thinking how 'unfair' this is that my sweets loving girl now has to count the carbs of every.single. little. thing she eats.  That our lives are changing a lot and that I feel somewhat ruled by 'the numbers'.  Then the guilt I feel for thinking this is unfair when I know things could be so much worse than they are.

All the counting. All the counting and looking things up.

All of these things lead up to one very tired and overwhelmed Mama.
So, I will post about the rest of our hospital stay and the amazing people who came to visit us there and who have sent the sweetest cards.  But, tonight --
I think I'm just going to head to bed.

To do some praying and reading and sleeping.

Until Midnight. When I will be up.  And again at 3AM.

Because. The Numbers.


5 comments:

Kendra said...

Praying continually for you all, friend!

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Powerful words of truth from your mother's heart ...

Tracking the numbers.

At so many levels, this is the heart of all mothers. We check; we count; we stay awake; we worry ... for the life and sweet sake of our children.

Parenting rips a heart to shreds and builds it back again ... fuller, deeper, richer with a love that cannot be counted.

Only lived.

Peace and prayers, friend. You are not alone.

LeeAnne Curtis said...

Mindy - you would not be a "parent" if you did not do all of the above. As a Mother, "we" all feel the prick of the needle, the fall in the gravel, the pain of the first heart break, etc., etc., etc. God has "loaned" these beautiful children to us and "we" would be remiss in our duties if we didn't feel the way we do! Personally, you are a TERRIFIC Mom, even when you feel like you are complaining! Your children LOVE you unconditionally and each of them know, WITHOUT DOUBT, that you and Ken have their backs (so to speak). This reminded me of something I heard from Ken at one of his services. God doesn't allow bad things to happen to good people, but He is there when that bad happens. What your family is going through, He already knows. What you feel, He already knows. What is going to happen tomorrow, He already knows. Take a lesson from Ken, you can not change what is, you can only change how you react! Remember this - take it easy, and don't beat yourself up about the small stuff. God has this and He is in control! LOVE you all this much, this much and a little bit more!!!

lori Impagliatelli said...

This just made my heart ache! I am sorry you are struggling, but I have no doubt if anyone can handle such a difficult situation, it is your family! We know that everything happens for a reason, and I am praying that you all come through stronger and closer and with a renewed appreciation of each other! You have a wonderful family and strong faith......you can do anything!

mimisworkshop said...

I was thinking about Allie and messaged you on FB and then I see your post. Praying for all of you.