I'm having a bad day. Honestly, I'm having a bad week. And I'm feeling REALLY guilty about it all.
A bad week how? Well - physically, mentally and spiritually! All of me!!!!
Physically, I've been having heart rhythm issues lately. It's been too fast at times and too slow at times too. I've been dizzy a lot, had lots of heart palpitations, chest pain, shakiness and many other symptoms that I don't understand. So, I've been wearing a heart monitor for a month and I go see the electrophysiologist on Friday to see what is going on.
And then there's this....***.WARNING -- if you don't want to hear about "womanly issues" then skip on down to the next paragraph.***..Since my menstrual cycle has come back after B was born, it has been different. It is has been VERY heavy for the first two days, and then would stop completely for a day and then come back for a few days getting lighter each day. THEN last month it came and was VERY heavy for two days and then stopped altogether. I really didn't think much of it -- maybe just that I got lucky for once....And then -- on day 18 --- I started bleeding again. That was last Friday. I spotted the first day and then it got very heavy for the next couple of days and then lightened up for a day. Yesterday there was NOTHING and today? I'm spotting again--- pretty heavy spotting too. I'm having lots of cramping, too. I have NEVER had issues like this with my menstrual cycle. I see my Gynecologist tomorrow.
All of this plays right in to the battles I am facing mentally and spiritually. I'm not going to lie. Ya'll. I am scared !!! I've told ya'll before about my struggles with fear. All of these physical problems are making my anxiety and fear go through the roof. And just to be completely honest -- I'm so scared that I am going to die and not get to see my kids grow up.
I am desperately trying to use my "Truth Cards" and fill my mind with scriptures reminding me that God doesn't want me to live in fear and that He is good and that HE is in charge. But right now, I'm losing that battle.
And quite frankly, I feel really guilty about all of this. I know that there are people who are living with things that are a lot worse than what I'm dealing with and they aren't complaining. I feel guilty that I was so griped by this fear that I didn't go to sleep until about 2AM this morning for fear that going to sleep would slow my heart rate too much. I feel HUGE guilt over the lack of faith that is making itself obvious in my life.
Why am I being so open and honest for all of you to read about the ugliness that is in me? Well for a few reasons I guess. I know that secrets are where Satan thrives and so I need to be honest about this stronghold. Second, I guess I am writing it down because it is somewhat cathartic to write it down. Third, I am begging for your prayers tomorrow and Friday as I see these doctors. I desperately want to ask that ya'll will just pray for complete healing, but I'm not sure I have the faith.
I'm also so uneasy about being so brutally honest and vulnerable about where I am right now. I know that there are those who would read this and see me as weak and basically think I'm just losing it. Frankly, I am in agreement with those two things.
I don't know what to do. I keep crying out to God and saying I NEED YOU!!!!! I long to feel his presence. At the same time I know it isn't about feeling that is about choosing to believe! '
Today -- I'm scared. I'm empty. I don't know what to do......
can you please say a prayer for me?
I feel guilty even asking.