Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Griped by Fear

I'm having a bad day. Honestly, I'm having a bad week. And I'm feeling REALLY guilty about it all.

A bad week how? Well - physically, mentally and spiritually! All of me!!!!

Physically, I've been having heart rhythm issues lately. It's been too fast at times and too slow at times too. I've been dizzy a lot, had lots of heart palpitations, chest pain, shakiness and many other symptoms that I don't understand. So, I've been wearing a heart monitor for a month and I go see the electrophysiologist on Friday to see what is going on.

And then there's this....***.WARNING -- if you don't want to hear about "womanly issues" then skip on down to the next paragraph.***..Since my menstrual cycle has come back after B was born, it has been different. It is has been VERY heavy for the first two days, and then would stop completely for a day and then come back for a few days getting lighter each day. THEN last month it came and was VERY heavy for two days and then stopped altogether. I really didn't think much of it -- maybe just that I got lucky for once....And then -- on day 18 --- I started bleeding again. That was last Friday. I spotted the first day and then it got very heavy for the next couple of days and then lightened up for a day. Yesterday there was NOTHING and today? I'm spotting again--- pretty heavy spotting too. I'm having lots of cramping, too. I have NEVER had issues like this with my menstrual cycle. I see my Gynecologist tomorrow.

All of this plays right in to the battles I am facing mentally and spiritually. I'm not going to lie. Ya'll. I am scared !!! I've told ya'll before about my struggles with fear. All of these physical problems are making my anxiety and fear go through the roof. And just to be completely honest -- I'm so scared that I am going to die and not get to see my kids grow up.

I am desperately trying to use my "Truth Cards" and fill my mind with scriptures reminding me that God doesn't want me to live in fear and that He is good and that HE is in charge. But right now, I'm losing that battle.

I'm terrified!

And quite frankly, I feel really guilty about all of this. I know that there are people who are living with things that are a lot worse than what I'm dealing with and they aren't complaining. I feel guilty that I was so griped by this fear that I didn't go to sleep until about 2AM this morning for fear that going to sleep would slow my heart rate too much. I feel HUGE guilt over the lack of faith that is making itself obvious in my life.

Why am I being so open and honest for all of you to read about the ugliness that is in me? Well for a few reasons I guess. I know that secrets are where Satan thrives and so I need to be honest about this stronghold. Second, I guess I am writing it down because it is somewhat cathartic to write it down. Third, I am begging for your prayers tomorrow and Friday as I see these doctors. I desperately want to ask that ya'll will just pray for complete healing, but I'm not sure I have the faith.

I'm also so uneasy about being so brutally honest and vulnerable about where I am right now. I know that there are those who would read this and see me as weak and basically think I'm just losing it. Frankly, I am in agreement with those two things.

I don't know what to do. I keep crying out to God and saying I NEED YOU!!!!! I long to feel his presence. At the same time I know it isn't about feeling that is about choosing to believe! '

Today -- I'm scared. I'm empty. I don't know what to do......

can you please say a prayer for me?

I feel guilty even asking.


Sara x said...

Fear is sometimes so overwhelming that we out of control. I know what i try to remember is that we all have days like this. You are not alone. I am so pleased to have found the courage to be honest, this way we can all stand together and help you fight the fear and maybe in a week or so you will stand next to me as i fight my fear.

You have so much going on in your life with all your health issues no wonder you are worried. I love my children so much and wish to protect them that these worries enter my head and my heart. I find then i have to hand them to God and ask for him to carry me through until i find my own strength. he never lets us down.

Know that im here for you if you need to talk, together we stand in the arms of our Lord.

mooneyequalsmc2 said...

From one Mindy to another...I understand.

I don't know exactly what to say to help you other than I will pray for peace for you.

Thank you for being so honest. It is refreshing and helps many people who are too afraid to talk about the REAL stuff in life.

In Christ,

mooneyequalsmc2 said...

From one Mindy to another...I understand.

I don't know exactly what to say to help you other than I will pray for peace for you.

Thank you for being so honest. It is refreshing and helps many people who are too afraid to talk about the REAL stuff in life.

In Christ,

Sherrie said...

I will bet you just about anything that all you are dealing with is some sort of hormone imbalance. I have dealt with that all my life and my sister has been having some of the same symptoms you described and she finally had her doctor do a complete work up and a bunch of testing. Make sure your doctors do the testing for that.

I will pray for you that you will find peace that will overcome your fears.

Good Luck!

Together We Save said...

Hope your trip to the doctor will answer some questions and calm your fears. I agree with Sherrie, sounds like a hormone imbalance. I pray you feel better.

Sherry said...

Will be praying for you, Mindy.

Let me recommend the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. It's very good and enouraging.

Pamela said...

Just wanted to say thanks for being honest and for opening up and sharing. Too many of us keep it inside, which just makes it worse.

Praying that God will be your strength and that you will feel His big arms wrapped around you.

You will get through this.

I will be praying for you at least once a day and whenever else God brings you to my mind.

Hugs from a sister in Christ.

Amanda said...

Hey Mindy -

I think of you often and with smiles when I do. I am praying for you and have always cherished your honesty. That is what friends are for.

I hope you find comfort and answers ASAP.


Lisa said...

Don't you dare feel bad about asking for prayers. We all need to be lifted up at times. Just because your worries don't seem as big as other's doesn't mean that you deserve prayer less than them.

FYI, my periods have been crazy too. Since we're done having babies, I wish they'd just take it all out.

Praying for you and keep us posted!

Lyn said...

Thank you Mindy for being so honest and open. Fear can consume us can't it? I know it has me at times. But fear is not from God, the enemy wants you to be fearful.
I will pray for you today and tomorrow. I'll pray for that peace that surpasses all understanding and that God will wrap his arms of comfort around you. That you will have answers and wisdom.

Phil 4:4-8
Your sister in HIM

Becca said...

oh girl, I will for sure pray for you. And remember that it is perfect love that drives out fear - I will be praying you can rest in his love!

Wendy said...

Hang in there, Mindy. I've had some scares too since the baby has been born. It's so easy to sit and worry even when we know we shouldn't. God's watching over us.

Heather said...

Praying for you!

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Well, Mindy, I'm reading this on the backside of all of it happening, but the Lord led me here today to check up on you.

I've had many of these same issues, both physically, mentally, spiritually speaking. I've recently gone through my own health scare, requiring a faith of me like never before. I'm mostly on the other side of the issue, but God clearly revealed some things to me regarding my faith during tough times. It's been a hard, difficult trust to learn, but it's coming along.

I pray the same for you today; I'd love an update as time allows.

May God's strength be yours as you forge ahead and walk this thing out. I pray his peace to be yours this day.